It’s shocking to me how much the people I loved in Oakland have changed. 2+ years is a long time. I have certainly changed a lot, and so why wouldn’t they? I don’t know why I expected that they would stand still. Is it because our time together felt so static?
Which begs the question, were we holding each other back?
Or were they changing the whole time, and I just didn’t see it, and I was the one who was static? Maybe everything is just more clear in hindsight, and you notice the change more when you aren’t witnessing it in real time– the way a friend from 6 months ago suddenly looks much thinner.
I’ve changed a lot, and I got angry tonight. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but perhaps I’m scared of getting older. Maybe I’m disappointed in what I have(n’t) accomplished. I have been telling myself, “I’m getting to the age where ‘potential’ is embarrassing”– and I mean it as a joke, but there are real knives in there.
I’m going forward as a 27 year old, closer to 30 than I would like. I’m a married woman. I’m a Christian. And I’m still trying to figure out where I fit into all of those things. Me, who for so long defined myself by things that were anything but. I was poly; I am bisexual; I was young and wide-eyed in the great big world.
I was free. Am I still? I feel like I have so many responsibilities, but I don’t know if that’s me or the labels talking.
I’m looking forward to 2018. I have ideas, I have hope. I have a loved companion to share it with. But I’d be lying if I said I was fully happy tonight.